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Welcome to Michael Reisman's little time-wasting comedy page. I make a solemn pledge to You, Internet Time Waster, to frequently updated this site, and keep it free of rambling, "diary"-style entries. This way you can spend your valuable Time-Wasting Time actually wasting time. Enjoy. Copyright 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 Michael Reisman

LINKS

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Christian Finnegan

Dan Trujillo

Jonny Fido

Kyria Abrahams

Rob & Mark

Rusty Ward

Todd Levin

 

Monday, August 28, 2006

 
How Could They Let John Mark Karr off the hook?

He has a middle name fer chrissake! Lee Harvey Oswald! John Wilkes Booth! Mark David Chapman! It's just not right! I guess he's back to being "John Karr". John Karr isn't a murderer. John MARK Karr, that guy should get the chair.





Tuesday, May 16, 2006

 
Sixteen Candles: The Musical

ACT I
"Is There Something You Wanted To Say?"............Samantha, Cast
"She's Gotten Her Boobies".........................Grandma Helen, Samantha
"Foreign Exchange Student Blues"...................Long Duck Dong, Grandpa Howard
"I Know This Much Is True".........................Samantha, Cast
"Two Virgins, One Car".............................Samantha, Farmer Ted
"Girl's Underpants"................................Farmer Ted, The Geeks

ACT II
"When Your Folks Are Out of Town"..................Jake, The Party Goers
"Jake's Gonna Kill Me".............................Farmer Ted, Caroline
"Better than Female Aliens"........................The Geeks
"She Go To Get Married"............................Long Duck Dong, Jake
"Four Feet Above the Aisle"........................Ginny, The Bridesmaids
"I Know This Much Is True (reprise)"...............Samantha
"The Sweetest Sixteen".............................Jake, Samantha





Monday, December 05, 2005

 
You can see me on Bravo's "Great Things About The Holidays". My appearances start at #32, as they count down to #7. Here's the schedule.

http://www.bravotv.com/Schedule/search.bravo?month=2006-12&keyword=Great%20Things&start=today





Monday, August 22, 2005

 
CHAT ORGY
by Michael Reisman

Characters:
ANGELA, the hostess
KEN
BARBARA (an older married woman)
SCOTT
DAVE
GARY
DUDE who walks in randomly

SETTING: A living room. A bowl of potato chips.

ANGELA
Welcome to our first get-together everyone. Now I know we all met in the chat room, and it’s a little weird seeing you all in person for the first time, but we’re just waiting for a few more people and then we can get to the or…or…orgy.

KEN
I thought there were going to be more girls here.

ANGELA
Yeah, um, “sweet chick 23” had to work at the OfficeMax this weekend.

BARBARA
And “pretty babe 19” is a no-show.

KEN
What about “super hot grrl underscore 25”?

SCOTT
Yeah, that would be me. Hey, no hard feelings, huh?

Dave enters.

ANGELA
Oh, guys? I also invited my friend Dave, who doesn’t have a computer. Dave this is everybody.

BARBARA
Welcome Dave.

KEN
Newbie alert!

SCOTT
Someone give Dave the F.A.Q.

GARY
Hello Dave. Semi colon right parenthesis.

ANGELA
Ok guys? I know we all met in a chat room, but I think it’s important for everyone to talk normally.

GARY
You’re right. After all, we are I.R.L.

They all laugh, except DAVE.

DAVE
What’s IRL?

GARY
In real life.

Dude walks in.

DUDE
Hey any hot babes in here I’m 22 muscular dude looking for some action message me.

He leaves.

KEN
That was awkward.

GARY
L.O.L.

ANGELA
Gary, you don’t have to say “L.O.L.”, you just laugh.

GARY
But it wasn’t funny enough to laugh at.

DAVE
So, how did you all meet?

KEN
We met in this chat room because we all have the same fetish.

DAVE
What fetish?

BARBARA
The inside part of the knee.

GARY
Definitely the sexiest part of the whole leg is the underknee.

SCOTT
Underknees rule!

GARY
U.K.s Forevva!

DAVE
That’s it?

KEN
No, that’s not it.

GARY
L.M.A.O. R.O.T.F.L.

KEN
While we explore the inside of our partner’s knee, we each like to be slightly verbally abused.

SCOTT
I like to be called an Ass Bitch.

GARY
I like to be nagged.

KEN
And I like to be called pickle penis.

BARBARA
Isn’t the internet great?

ANGELA
It brought us all together.

SCOTT
(to Barbara:) Hey, I am licking the underside of your knee.

BARBARA
Lick it, Ass Bitch.

KEN
I am sitting next to you and I’m sucking under your knee.

BARBARA
Don’t stop pickle penis!

GARY
I am licking the inside of your knee too.

BARBARA (nagging)
You’re not doing it right.

GARY
Oh yeah!!!!

DAVE
Okay, what the hell’s going on here?

SCOTT
What do you mean?

DAVE
You’re all saying stuff but you’re not actually doing anything.

KEN
Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed!

GARY
L.O.L.O.L.O.L.O.L.

DAVE
Stop saying that!

Dude walks in.

DUDE
Hey any hot babes in here I’m 22 muscular dude looking for some action message me.

He leaves, and pokes his head back in.

DUDE
No fatties!

He leaves again.

DAVE
Don’t you people actually want to touch each other?

BARBARA
My husband finds me repulsive! Somebody please make love to me!

Pause.

SCOTT
I disconnected.

KEN
Disconnected.

GARY
Cannot connect to host.

DAVE
I’m outta here.

ANGELA
Well I’d have to call that orgy a success.

BARBARA
I am so lonely.

THE END





Monday, August 15, 2005

 
THE IRAQI CONSTITUTION SKETCH

Cast of characters:
US AMBASSADOR
IRAQI FRAMER #1
IRAQI FRAMER #2
IRAQI FRAMER #3

Location
An official government meeting hall, Iraq.

AMBASSADOR
(on the phone)
Yes, Mister President. They tell me they’ve just about finished it up. I know, we’re cutting it very close to the deadline. But it seems to be all in order, sir. Yes sir. A glorious day for Democracy. Goodbye sir.

AMBASSADOR (cont’d)
(to the Framers)
I appreciate you gentlemen working so hard on this constitution. It’s an historic day for Iraq and for the world. Let’s see what you’ve got.

FRAMER #1
Yes, Mr. Ambassador. About that. Uh. We were wondering if we could just have a couple of more days to work on it.

AMBASSADOR
What are you talking about? You’ve had months!

FRAMER #1
You have to understand the complexity of the Sunni and Shiite worlds. We are working very hard to reach a compromise.

AMBASSADOR
But you said you were almost finished! Everyone is expecting the Constitution tomorrow morning!

FRAMER #2
With all due respect, Mr. Ambassador, sir, you don’t know how hard it is for two bitter enemies to agree on any one subject.

AMBASSADOR
But you’ve had months!

FRAMER #3
You Americans are all the same, taking our struggles for granted!

AMBASSADOR
I’m sure you’re right. I apologize.

FRAMER #3
Yes, Stupid Americans.

AMBASSADOR
Well, this is just supposed to be a draft, so maybe you could just show me what you have.

FRAMER #1
I implore you, give us just another few days.

AMBASSADOR
No, no, I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s see it.

The Ambassador tries to grab the piece of paper from them. One of the FRAMERS clutches it and after a struggle finally lets go of the paper.

AMBASSADOR
What is this?

FRAMER #2
It’s the Constitution.

AMBASSADOR
(reading)
We the people of the New Nation of Iraq.

FRAMER #3
Yes.

AMBASSADOR
That’s all you have.

FRAMER #1
We told you we weren’t finished.

AMBASSADOR
This is disappointing.

FRAMER #2
A constitution is a meaningless gesture! It has nothing to do with real Democracy, it’s just a tactic to distract people from this war!

FRAMER #3
Yes, and also our printing press was destroyed in the latest insurgency. Stupid American.

AMBASSADOR
Gentlemen, you are going to sit here and write that constitution. Even if it takes ALL NIGHT.

A clock shows 10:30pm.

FRAMER #1
Well here it is. I think you’ll be pleased.

AMBASSADOR
Gentlemen, this is a copy of the United States Constitution, with the word America crossed out, and “Iraq” handwritten in its place. That’s all you did?

FRAMER #2
No, no, of course not. We’ve also crossed out any time the word “woman” appears, and we wrote in “Donkey”.

Ambassador crumples up the paper. A clock shows 12:45am. The framers are playing “Paper Football” with at triangular piece of paper.

AMBASSADOR
Put that paper football down!

A clock shows 3:15am.

FRAMER #3
Ok, this time we really mean it. We are very proud.

AMBASSADOR
Uh. This is a script for an episode of Dharma and Greg.

FRAMER #1
Yes, the struggles of Dharma and Greg to get along are very much like those of our own nation.

AMBASSADOR
Gentlemen, a Constitution has laws, and outlines a system of government.

FRAMER #2
Ooh, that’s good, write that down.

FRAMER #1 (writing)
System…of…government. Got it.

AMBASSADOR
I hate this job.

Clock shows 5:00am.

FRAMER #2
It took us all night. But I think we’ve finally got something. Here you go.

AMBASSADOR
(reading)
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing we call life. Electric word, life. It means forever, and that’s a mighty long time, but I mean to tell you. There’s something else. The Afterworld.” This is “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince.

FRAMER #3
Yes, we want to make it clear to the world that nothing is going to let the elevator break us down.

FRAMER #1
Oh no!

FRAMER #2
Let’s go!

ALL THREE FRAMERS
Oooo wa, CRAZAY!

AMBASSADOR
Crazy?

FRAMER #1
Crazy for democracy.

Pause.

AMBASSADOR
Gentlemen. We have our constitution. I love it.

They all sing “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince as we FADE OUT.





Monday, May 09, 2005

 

STAR WARS EPISODE III REVIEW

Here is the first real review of the new Star Wars movie, from Todd McCarthy of Variety (reprinted without permission), which is quite positive. It is annotated with my comments. Keep in mind I have not seen this movie and I don't plan to, having been burned so badly by the turd souffles that were Episodes 1 and 2 that I'm hell bent on dissuading as many people as I can from seeing this.

The Force returns with most of its original power regained in "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith." Concluding entry in George Lucas' second three-pack of space epics teems with action, drama and spectacle, and even supplies the odd surge of emotion1 as young Anakin Skywalker goes over to the Dark Side and the stage is set for the generation of stories launched by the original "Star Wars" 28 years ago. Whatever one thought of the previous two installments2, this dynamic picture irons out most of the problems, and emerges as the best in the overall series since "The Empire Strikes Back." Stratospheric B.O. is a given3.

Indeed, "Sith" looks likely to follow the commercial pattern of the initial trilogy, wherein the second edition, "Empire," dipped considerably from the first, only to see the third, "Return of the Jedi," bounce back closer to the level of "Star Wars." In the case of the most recent set, "The Phantom Menace" grossed $921 million worldwide (slightly more coming from foreign territories than from the U.S.), while "Attack of the Clones" slipped to a $647 million worldwide cume. There's little doubt "Sith" will significantly improve on the latter figure.4

Everyone who has followed the "Star Wars" saga over the years will come to this film knowing that it all has to pay off here: the transformation from Anakin into Darth Vader, the face-off between Anakin/Vader and his mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi, the morphing of the Republic into the Empire, the exile of Yoda and Padme's birth of the twins Luke and Leia, siblings who become the central figures in episodes 4-6. Given the general awareness of what's going to happen, it's up to Lucas to make it exciting. Despite fans' varying degrees of loss of faith that set in with "Menace" and "Clones," most will be inspired enough to believe again5.

As if deliberately setting out to reassert his mastery over his iconic creation, Lucas opens with an amazing shot of his two Jedi Knights, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin (Hayden Christensen), threading their little spaceships through an extraordinary maze of explosions and airborne craft.

In fact, the initial 23 minutes virtually constitute one eye-popping action sequence, as the Jedis fight an assortment of battles to rescue the kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) from the clutches of the skeletal separatist General Grievous6.

When things settle down to reunite Anakin with Padme, who announces she's pregnant after the idyllic secret wedding that climaxed "Clones," one is briefly reminded of Lucas' shortcomings as a writer and director of intimate, one-on-one scenes7. But it's a minor problem here, as the dynamic of onrushing events soon becomes all-enveloping, and several interconnected conflicts are brought to a head.

As was not always the case the last two times out, Lucas' storytelling sense is admirable8 as he lays out the growing schism between the Jedi council -- which supports the Republic -- and the Chancellor, who has been granted exceptional powers in the current crisis.

Caught in the middle is Anakin, trained all his life by Obi-Wan to be an exemplary Jedi, but suddenly plagued by dreams of his wife's death in childbirth, offended by the Council's refusal to grant him master status9 and susceptible to the Chancellor's promise that only through the attainment of dark powers can he save his wife.

As Anakin stews, Jedis led by Obi-Wan attack General Grievous10, which occasions more spectacular lightsaber fights (the movie is full of them)11. When Jedi Knight Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson, finally given something to do) attacks the Chancellor after learning he's a Sith Lord, Anakin must decide once and for all where his allegiance lies, his ultimate choice pitting him tragically against those closest to him, Padme and Obi-Wan. Picture's final hour is steeped in apocalyptic imagery, tragic pop mythology and effective cross-cutting, as Yoda takes on the Chancellor at the same time Anakin/Vader engages in ferocious combat with Obi-Wan.

Resolution of the latter is significantly gorier than anything previously seen in the "Star Wars" sextet, thereby earning the series' first PG-13 rating. It also results in the transfixing final metamorphoses of Anakin into the black hooded-and-caped Vader unseen since the initial trilogy, an emergence dramatically contrasted with the birth of the twins.

Entertaining from start to finish and even enthralling at times, "Sith" has some acting worth writing home about, specifically McDiarmid's dominant turn as the mastermind of the evil empire. McGregor remains a steady presence, and both Portman and Christensen have loosened up since "Clones" to acceptable, if hardly inspired12, levels. Expressiveness of the digitally animated Yoda, voiced as always by Frank Oz, is amazing. The technical achievement here is on such a high level that one is lulled into taking it for granted. Neither of the digitally shot recent episodes has looked consistently great, but this one does.

Perhaps this is the moment to remember it was the original "Star Wars," modest budget and all, that forever raised the bar and set the standard for the new generation of special and visual effects (a taste of "Star Wars" decor is provided by a reproduction of the gleaming white interior of the escaping Jedis' spacecraft). Composer John Williams also seems to have put extra effort into his virtually continuous score13, which increasingly invests familiar themes with darker and richer tones.

1 It is a sad day in cinema when we are satisified with the "odd surge of emotion".

2 They sucked.

3. This has nothing to do with the quality of the film. (Side note: Stratospheric B.O. is destroying our precious ozone layer.)

4. None of this has anything to do with the quality of the film.

5. O Wise Omniscient Todd McCarthy. Tell us more of what we will think. Douche bag.

6. Readers of the novelization know this character's full name is General Obstacle Harmwell Grievous III.

7. Okay, so we won't pay attention to any scenes where there are only two people talking to each other. Like when Darth Vader tells Luke he's his father. Or when Luke meets Ben. Or Yoda's death scene. Or Anakin's death scene. Or the first time Han and Leia kiss. Or....

8. Not good, but admirable. What was your price, Todd McCarthy? How much did they pay you?

9. The Jedi council not granting "master status" is exactly the kind of weak plot point and character motivator that burdens Episodes 1 and 2.

10. I still can't get past that name.

11. Like a trick-or-treater's bag is full of candy. It can make you sick.

12. This is one helluva rave. I reject "it's better than the first two" as a critique. First, because a root canal is better than the first two. Second, for those with memory problems, the reviews of Episode 2 all said it was better than Episode 1. I'm not even sure that was true.

13. An overbearing score generally reflects the director's inability to convey the tone with the shot. Forget visual effects: sound is the biggest post-production fix at Lucas' disposal. This entire prequel trilogy is an exercise in post-production overkill, with no thought given to the emotional core of the film in the writing or production.






Friday, April 29, 2005

 
Let's have a round for these freaks and these soldiers

is a lyric on Joni Mitchell's "Carey". It's nestled in the middle of a verse, very unassuming. But it's one of my favorite lyrics on the whole album, Blue. Here's the whole verse:

Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will
Buy you a bottle of wine
And we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down
Let's have a round for these freaks and these soldiers
A round for these friends of mine
Let's have another round for the bright red devil
Who keeps me in this tourist town


It's not about the freaks and the soldiers, it's about Joni and her friend, the titular "mean old Daddy". I just liked the idea that in the middle of this verse, at a bar in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a night of good natured drunkenness, everyone gets a round. It's not a political or religious statement, but it sort of, almost is.

Anyway my main point was that it's almost as good a lyric as, "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight."





Tuesday, April 05, 2005

 
Flattened (or,"23-skiddon't!")

Just traipsing through the blogopshere I came aross this absolutely abhorrent piece of news as reported by Jodi. Apparently they've decided to use one of the most historic, beautiful, signature buildings in New York as ad space for H&M:

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/292304p-250165c.html

Placing an ad for temporary clothing on a building whose style has stood the test of over a century is certainly bold, even for an intentional ironic effect. Next on the list of ironic ads are:

1. Ad for David Spade movie on slant in Citicorp building
2. Ad for Zoloft as sash around Statue of Liberty
3. Ad for Viagra on floor of World Trade Center
4. Ad promoting the uniting of nations on UN building
5. "Help Cure Giant Ball Syndrome" ad on Rose Space Center at Museum of Natural History

5 is enough. Count yourself lucky -- the next one was going to be a Preparation H ad.





Monday, April 04, 2005

 
Choose Your Own Punchline #3

SETUP: The royal wedding of Prince Charles to Camilla Parker Bowles has been postponed one day due to the Pope's funeral.

PUNCHLINE:
A) This will be the last time the Pope stands in the way of a same-sex marriage.
B) So set your Diana Rolling Over in her Grave clocks ahead 24 hours.
C) This is sure to fuel debate over who is the stiffest one at the funeral.
D) The Pope was scheduled to attend the wedding himself but the caterers could not accommodate his request for the Kosher meal.
E) Prince Harry has to wait another day to rehearse his "You're not my mommy...unless I can call you Eva Braun" tantrum.
F) The Queen advised Charles not to get in the way of the big death march. Apparently Charles misunderstood his mother, who was talking about the wedding.

Should have stopped at C.





Sunday, April 03, 2005

 
An INVENTION sketch: The "S.L.U.T." Daughter Tracker
Here's a bit that read better than it performed, so here it is.

HOST
Are you ready for our first invention? Please welcome one of our favorite inventors, Dr. Frank Turpin.

ENTER INVENTOR, with a transistor radio.

HOST (cont’d.)
Welcome to the show.

INVENTOR
Thanks. You know, I love two things more than anything in this world. The great game of baseball, and being insanely overprotective of my teenage daughter. And the device I’ve invented combines these two things.

HOST
Great. That looks like an ordinary radio.

INVENTOR
Well it’s much, much more. Tell me, have you ever heard of the expression "getting to first base"? Well I've applied the slang terms for the bases to a very real sytem of tracking whether your daughter is being scored upon. Here’s how it works. If you can see here, these four tiny receptors are labeled first base, second base, third base and finally home run. While your daughter is asleep, you attach these tiny receptors to her. These are microscopic radio transmitters, so she won’t even notice them.

HOST
Isn’t that a violation of your daughter’s privacy?

INVENTOR
I don’t know about you but I’d rather violate my daughter’s privacy than have Joey from down the block violate her privates.

HOST
Very good point.

INVENTOR
So the first step is, you take these transmitters and place them on the appropriate part of the body. Do you mind if we demonstrate on you?

HOST
No problem. I have to tell you I’ve never been too clear on the bases. We all know that first base is a kiss. I’ll put that here on my lips. And a home run is, well, here (he places it on his crotch). But second and third are very nebulous.

INVENTOR
Well that’s the great part. You as the father/slash/operator get to determine where the bases on your daughter are. Going down, feeling up, could be second base, or third base, it’s all up to you.

HOST
Okay, tell you what, let’s put 2nd base here in the pectoral area. And 3rd base will go, just for kicks, here on my elbow. Okay, the bases are loaded. Ha! So what happens next.

INVENTOR
Well, your daughter goes off for the evening.

HOST
Okay, Dad, I’m off to the Jessica Simpson concert, don’t wait up.

INVENTOR
Okay, great. All I have to do now is to turn the transmitter on. Now I call this radio piece the Sports Lingo Underwear Transmitter, or “SLUT”. You see, I’ve eliminated the guesswork in determining whether your daughter is a slut. You’ve heard of fighting fire with fire? I fight sluts with SLUT.

HOST
You fight sluts?

INVENTOR
Let’s turn on the radio.

(He turns on the radio)

RADIO
Here’s the pitch. It’s a swing and a miss. 0-1 the count.

HOST
A strike? But I didn’t do anything.

INVENTOR
That’s correct. You see as long as there is no funny business, the transmitter will appear to broadcast a game of baseball, in which none of the batters is getting on base.

RADIO
...swiiiiiing and a miss, strike two, 0 and 2 to Sheffield...

HOST
So you mean to tell me that if I, the daughter, am completely virtuous and untouched, it will appear that you are listening to a game of baseball where absolutely nothing happens.

INVENTOR
Well, low scoring games can be very exciting. As a father of a teenage girl, and a baseball fan, I have to tell you, I wish every game was a no hitter.

HOST
Amen to that.

INVENTOR
Let’s see what happens when you cop yourself a feel there in the triple area.

HOST
All right. (playing both parts on the date, eventually stroking his elbow:) Oohh, you like it there. Oh, but I shouldn’t. Oh, but yes you should. It feels so good.

RADIO
There’s a long drive deep into the gap. This could be trouble…

HOST
I just felt my slugging percentage go up about a hundred points. This is very clever, Dr. Turpin. But let me ask you something: why go through this charade with the baseball game and the radio? Why not have the transmitter just beep whenever the receptor thingy is touched?

INVENTOR
Well parenting is a tricky thing. My wife and I have different opinions on how to raise our daughter. She feels that a parent child relationship is based on trust, respect, and understanding, and I feel that that’s a bunch of horse crap. So this way, I get to spy on my daughter, and my wife just thinks I’m listening to an ordinary ballgame on the radio.

HOST
What do you do when the baseball season is over?

INVENTOR
Good question. I am working on some plug-in attachments using other sports. For football season, for example, you’d just attach tiny yard lines to your daughter’s body. The 50, the 40, the 30, ... all the way down to the end zone.

HOST
What’s a field goal?

INVENTOR
Off the top of my head, uh, a hand job?

HOST
What about a safety?

INVENTOR
Again, the beauty part is, it’s all up to your paranoid imagination. I’m also working on a variation for lesbian girls, which appears to broadcast women’s tennis.

HOST
You wouldn’t to hear about a “backhand stroke”.

INVENTOR
Or a foot fault.

HOST
Foot fault?

INVENTOR
Again, it’s very customizable. Let’s see if we can tune in to my daughter’s frequency. Now this should give us a good zero baseline reading. She’s 14 years old, and tonight she’s sleeping over at her friend Kelly’s house. Here it is.

RADIO
…there’s a long fly ball deep to centerfield, way back, it’s going, going..see ya! Home run!

INVENTOR
Sarah? Oh no wait. Whew. That’s my sister’s frequency. She’s married. She and her husband are trying to have a baby. I was just, uh, interested in how that was going. Let’s turn the frequency to my younger daughter.

(He turns the channel. F/X: theremin-esque radio changing noise)

INVENTOR (cont’d.)
Now THIS is Sarah.

RADIO
…a long fly ball deep to centerfield, way back, it’s going, going..gone! Grand slam home run!

INVENTOR
No, wait, I’m sorry. That’s the actual Yankees game.

(He changes the channel again.)

RADIO
There’s a high fly ball to left field, at the warning track…Matsui going back, and it is……caught at the wall! A fine catch at the wall by Matsui!

INVENTOR & HOST
Whew.

INVENTOR
That was a close one.

HOST
Apparently she did defended her chastity at the last minute by placing a Japanese man in front of her.

INVENTOR
That sounds just like my Sarah. Okay, I know I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m going to tune into my wife. She said she was going to be home alone, watching a George Clooney movie.

RADIO
The home plate umpire brushes home plate clean. He's bending over to clean home plate. He’s really cleaning that plate. Verrrrry thoroughly. I’m not sure why the umpire is spending so much time attending to the base. There must be a lot of dirt and dust caked onto home plate. And he’s finished – wait, no he’s dusting home plate some more….back and forth...(etc.)

INVENTOR
I gotta go.

HOST
Dr. Frank Turpin and his amazing SLUT!





Friday, April 01, 2005

 
Sign #413 that the Terrorists Have Already Won

The 777-7777 car service has changed their name from "Tel Aviv" to "The 7's".





Thursday, March 31, 2005

 
Feeding Tube Frenzy
(I admit I still like that title.)

So now the Pope is using a feeding tube. ("Gastro-NazeTM, the RIGHT choice in nose-feeding tubes, when you can't make the choice to be fed through a tube in your nose yourself!") This adds a whole new level of ethics to the debate. The Holiest Human of the Western World (apologies to Oprah), who has used his position to Pontificate(!) a moral decree on feeding tubes, now needs to be fed through a tube himself. This just BEGS for a half-assed playlet. Ahem:

ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
Approaching the podium is press-Cardinal Hank Johnson, Cardinal in charge of Vatican media relations.

CARDINAL JOHNSON
Good morning. I regret to inform you that at 2 am this morning his holiness the Pope suffered a severe stroke, and he has lost all mental faculties. He is currently in a vegetative state. But as is God's will, the Pope will be kept alive via a feeding tube. And as long as he is alive, he will remain in power as the Pope, with all his current responsibilities of Popedom. I'll open up the floor to questions.

REPORTER #1
How will we know what the Pope thinks if he can't communicate?

CARDINAL
Good question. Since his eminence will be unable to convey any thoughts in any way, the other Cardinals and I have decided to take a vote on what the Pope would have felt about a particular issue. For example, we are all in agreement that in the future, if anyone else were in danger of having their life supporting feeding tube removed, that his Holiness would have wanted the feeding tube to NOT be removed.

REPORTER #1
Well that's an easy one. He said the same thing about Terri Schiavo.

CARDINAL
Yes, and that's why we are confident that he'd have the same opinion about other feeding tubes.

REPORTER #2
What about an issue like condoms in schools?

CARDINAL
Well, the Pope is clearly against that. Condoms, gay marriage, living peaceably according to your own code of ethics, these are all concepts that the Pope is and has always been against. It's still the same Pope. But instead of reiterating those concepts himself via words, he will be propped up in a chair, teetering from one side to another in his dignified Papal manner, and he'll convey that silently. And maybe with a little drool sliding down his mouth. Next question.

REPORTER #2
What about an issue without precedent that has yet to surface? For example, what if stem cells were able to cure cancer?

CARDINAL
That's a good one. But we have thought about this. The other Cardinals and I have decided we would take a vote on each issue.

REPORTER #3
What if there was a tie in the vote?

CARDINAL
We have thought about that as well. In the unlikely event of a tie, we'd essentially prop the Pope upright and place him in the center of a giant wheel, much like the one in the Wheel of Fortune program. All along the wheel would be panels marked "In Favor" or "Opposed". Then we'd, you know, let him go, and...basically, we'd see which way he fell. And where the Pope landed would be God's will.

REPORTER #3
What if he lands between two panels?

CARDINAL
We've thought of that too; this would be a do-over. The consortium of Cardinals could also invoke a best of 5, or best of 7 scenario, if we felt this were in the best interests of the community. Keeping in mind that once we reached a Best-of-13-Pope-wheel scenario, we would have to be extra careful that in the act of dropping the Pope onto the wheel, that the feeding tube would not be knocked loose. That's why we've considered a device in which his Holiness was suspended by his toes from a modest height, say seven feet, and the wheel would instead be spun beneath him. We've also considered a wheel in which his Excellency was on a plank which itself rotated around a stationary wheel. We'd have to be mindful again that the centrifugal force would not throw his Eminence or the feeding tube from the plank. We've also designed this computer simulation of a "Pope on a Rope". Let's watch.

A computerized video of a giant metal machine spinning the Pope and releasing him a hundred feet or so (like the Hammer in track and field) into a painted field wth sections labeled Pro/Con.

CARDINAL (cont'd).
We all think this is the most dignified and logical solution. Last question.

REPORTER #4
Yes, this isn't a question. This is more of a statment. LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!





Wednesday, March 30, 2005

 
Happy New Year!

Another year, another blog entry, my fine fellow blogospherizens. I apologize again. Not to you this time, but to myself. I've let myself down for not choosing to spend 10 minutes a day to think of something clever. Before we move on to the current events of the day, allow me to present a little hypothetical list of titles for my blog entries, had I been blogging the past 6 months.

God Damn Bush!
God Damn Kerry!
God Damn Two Party System!
In A Blue State
In A Blue State about being one of thousands who made that "Blue State" pun
Martha Stewart's Most Festive Prison Hanukkah Ever
I wasn't prepared for this Tsunami...of charity events!!!
Mister Froggy Meets Some Corn
Mark McGwire: I'm not here to talk about the past, I'm here to talk about my irreversibly shrunken testicles!
Pat O'Brien: Access DENIED!
I'm So Glad I've Been Blogging All This Time
Feeding Tube Frenzy!
In A Blue State about being one of thousands who made the "Feeding Tube Frenzy" pun


You missed out, people.





Monday, April 19, 2004

 
The New York Press Review

Here's the review in its entirety, footnoted with my thoughts. Again, let me stress, that I am thrilled with the press, and with the overall positiveness of the review. In particular, he had a nice thing to say about my sketch, and he accurately gave the most credit where it was due, to Andres, who really is the show's lifeblood. But I don't think the reviewer totally, really, quite, exactly understood the show.

GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is a Game is not your typical stand-up/variety show. The musical guests are a pair of panhandling bums, Rappin' Stan and Mr. Shakes, clad in trenchcoats, fur hats and garbage bags, who sing, rap and teach homeless yoga1. Other guests (which rotate week to week) include a Christopher Walken look-a-like poet 2 and an inventor (Michael Reisman)3 who goes back in time to find his wallet and tells the audience that the skit they're about to see is no good4 (a Charlie Kaufman spin that actually works)5. And, yes, there is a game: contestants must guess whether questions are drawn from real game shows or rhetorical ones plucked from the host's (Jamie Greenberg) failed relationship—a unique premise on a tired skit6. The rest of the show is predictable territory: a string of local comics doing five-minute versions of their regular routines.

What's most entertaining about this show is not the stand-ups but the host, Francisco Guglioni (played by Andres du Bouchet). Guglioni, who bears a resemblance to Puddy from Seinfeld7, is the show's lifeblood, a Latin-American Jay Leno8 whose baritone, accented voice and good-natured quips are unfailingly on cue.

"Our show is a takeoff of Sabado Gigante, a famous, long-running, pull-out-all-the-stops Latin American variety show," says Guglioni's doppelganger, du Bouchet, also the show's creator. Du Bouchet has been writing and performing comedy around New York since 1997. A mainstay at Luna Lounge's Eating It and regular contributor to Jest magazine (not to mention an incessant blogger), du Bouchet is a natural, easy-going emcee, self-deprecating and affable. The show, provided you avoid sitting on the Posturepedic bench seats9 , is a fast and enjoyable 90 minutes, with an endless array of ad libs, surprise sketches and quirky bits.

Under St. Marks, 94 St. Marks Pl. (betw. 1st Ave. & Ave. A), 212-868-4444, 8, $5.

Lionel Beehner

1 We explained to him that the premise of the musical guest changes every week.
2 Jonny Fido is uncredited here. He did a Walken impression, but was not in any way trying to look like Walken. It was not poetry at all. It was a sketch where Jonny presents an invention which produces silly Superhero names.
3 This sentence makes it seem like I was both the poet and inventor, but Jonny was the poet (which was, as I said, in no way poetry) and I was the 2nd inventor.
4 This is not at all an accurate description of the sketch.
5 The way this is written it implies that Charlie Kaufman's premises don't normally work. That hack!
6 This is the single most debated phrase in this review. I think what he meant to say is "a unique twist on a conventional premise". But "unique premise on a tired skit" makes absolutely no sense. To this day Jamie thinks this was a slam. It's not, it's just an affront to all who hold the English language dear.
7 I have no idea why he mentions this, even if it were true (which it's not).
8 Oh, like Jay Leno! Okay, now I get it. Before when you said host I had no idea.
9 I think he means "orthopedic seats". Posturepedic implies comfort. Anyway, the truth is that Anything-pedic would be a luxurious improvement to the majority of the seating in the theater, which is cheap bridge chairs.





Thursday, April 15, 2004

 
Sorry

Sorry I haven't been Blogging For You in 2004, as was my political campaign slogan. I've been pretty busy, dear blogosphere. To prove this, here's a very positive review of the show I write and perform in every Tuesday at 8pm. The show is called Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is a Game. It's hosted by the incomparable Andrés du Bouchet, and features a gang of highly talented actor/comedian/writers, including but not limited to Jonny Fido, James Greenberg, Deb Rabbai, Mike Birch and Rob Gorden & Mark Douglas. Soon I will dedicate a blog entry to dissecting the New York Press review, but for now just enjoy it! Pick up an actual copy in Kiosks throughout the city! They're free! They have pictures of hundreds of shemales in the back!







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