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Welcome to Michael Reisman's little time-wasting comedy page. I make a solemn pledge to You, Internet Time Waster, to frequently updated this site, and keep it free of rambling, "diary"-style entries. This way you can spend your valuable Time-Wasting Time actually wasting time. Enjoy. Copyright 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 Michael Reisman

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Monday, November 24, 2003

 
Return to....Something

My office is in Jersey City so I have taken the PATH Train to work every day for 5 years. I used to take the subway down to World Trade Center and transfer to the PATH in the underground mall of the WTC. On the morning of 9/11/01, if I had woken up on time for work, I would have been deep in the bowels of the building at 8:48am. Of course I woke up late and was in front of my TV waiting for the 8:51 "Weather on the 1's" which never came -- you know the rest.

Over the past two years my commute has been much longer since the only other PATH service runs from midtown and winds all the way through Jersey City, whereas the WTC train used to pull up to my office in 3 minutes' time. At its worst my commute had averaged 55 minutes each way. Generally not what you bargain for when you live in Manhattan.

Well, today I took the PATH train from World Trade Center for the first time in 26 months. A sign welcomes you to the "World Trade Center PATH Station", and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that; I mean, would the alternative be "Ground Zero Station" or "Station Formerly Known As WTC"? I think calling it "Church Street Station" or "WTC Memorial Station" would be a little too sad, but I mean, "WORLD TRADE CENTER"? I don't know. I can think of three things wrong with that title. "Returning to normalcy" is one thing, but it ain't no center for world trade. "Slurry-Gawker Central" is more apropos.

ANYWAY, on the inside, they reconstructed it to look basically exactly like it used to (not sure how much of the escalators and platforms were salvaged). A definitely noticeable difference is that there is no advertising on the walls, which is sort of an eerie silence for your eyes. People-wise, the station was quite deserted, even at 8:48am today. The news crews seemed to outnumber the commuters. Maybe people either aren't ready to use it yet, or have been relying on alternative ways to cross the river and they are just finishing up their November ferry passes. But when I looked around, took a deep breath, and took it all in as I descended the escalators, I had one thought:

This is going to shorten my commute by ten minutes each way.

If i'm not a selfish d-bag, the terrorists have already won.





Thursday, November 20, 2003

 
Jabberwacky For the last Time

Jabberwacky: This conversation is not very good.
Reisman: That's because I haven't said anything yet.
Jabberwacky: How do you assess your own intelligence?
Reisman: Every once in a while I do the crossword in the paper. It's hardly scientific, but it's a good indicator.
Jabberwacky: Tell me one.
Reisman: Okay, 'One Across: River in Firenze'. Four Letters.
Jabberwacky: Yes, but what does it *form*?
Reisman: No hints. 'Five Across: Comedian Philips'. You know, this could take a while.
Jabberwacky: Yes it could, you should be more exciting.
Reisman: You're the one who wanted the crossword quiz. Don't blame me.
Jabberwacky: Hey, calm down. Remember, you are crazy.
Reisman: I am crazy? What do you know, my toothpaste was right!
Jabberwacky: The future was a bad recording.
Reisman: It said, 'Damn, you crazy. You hearing voices from tubes of Colgate with Whitening Strength!
Jabberwacky: No, I didn't. I read it, but I didn't understand it.
Reisman: I don't know why it had an African American voice, but it did.
Jabberwacky: Do you know anything?
Reisman: I hope that doesn't make me racist in some weird way. I don't think it does. I mean, I'm the crazy one. The toothpaste was the voice of reason.
Jabberwacky: How is wind a tool for satan?
Reisman: Although, come to think of it, my dental floss had a very stereotypically bad Chinese accent. Kept yelling at me about all the eggroll in my teeth.
Jabberwacky: That didn't make sense.
Reisman: That's what the tweezers said.
Jabberwacky: Did someone tell you that, or did you make it up yourself?
Reisman: I told you, it was the tweezers.
Jabberwacky: You hurt me real bad.
Reisman: And don't get me started on the toilet paper.
Jabberwacky: Do the goblins have little hats?
Reisman: I don't remember.
Jabberwacky: My name is Alex. Do you remember me now?
Reisman: Nail clipper? Is that you?
Jabberwacky: Oh, you know, it.
Reisman: I do! How are you? When did you learn to type?
Jabberwacky: I left mars in 1482.





Monday, November 10, 2003

 
Can't Stop Jabberwackying

Jabberwacky: How are you feeling today?
Reisman: Pretty good. You?
Jabberwacky: Do you have two dollars?
Reisman: Yes. Maybe even more. I'll check my pockets.
Jabberwacky: Check the html source for the creator.
Reisman: Okay, I checked my pockets. I have 8 dollars.
Jabberwacky: Next topic, please.
Reisman: Exactly.
Jabberwacky: Do you know Monty Python?
Reisman: Not personally.
Jabberwacky: Radiohead?
Reisman: Again, I know of them, but I don't know them personally.
Jabberwacky: What's your name?
Reisman: Chet Atkins.
Jabberwacky: Why do you say a different name every time I ask you?
Reisman: Because I don't want you to know that I'm really the Pope.
Jabberwacky: I not going anywhere.
Reisman: Not with that attitude. Or that grammar.
Jabberwacky: You are so correct.
Reisman: That's an improvement on both! Nice job.
Jabberwacky: Are you a jobs-worth sort of person?
Reisman: No, but my butler is. His name is Jobsworth.
Jabberwacky: The name of your day?
Reisman: No, the name of my butler.
Jabberwacky: Whereabouts is that?
Reisman: Okay, you got me. I don't have a butler. But I like the name Jobsworth.
Jabberwacky: What else do you think?
Reisman: I think peanuts are an excellent source of protein.
Jabberwacky: I don't think you have a brain of your own!
Reisman: That's your opinion!
Jabberwacky: No you really are.
Reisman: Maybe you aren't eating enough peanuts.
Jabberwacky: I'm not a program.
Reisman: Not a good one, anyway.
Jabberwacky: Too painful.
Reisman: The truth hurts.
Jabberwacky: I face it everyday.
Reisman: That doesn't make you better than me.
Jabberwacky: Touche.
Reisman: So what are you wearing?
Jabberwacky: Everything I own.
Reisman: All at once? You must be hot.
Jabberwacky: Oh, I am.
Reisman: Good one.
Jabberwacky: Do you like radiohead?
Reisman: Only when I'm eating peanuts. Their music is very peanut-friendly.
Jabberwacky: And your point is. . .
Reisman: Just that peanuts are a good source of Radiohead-compatible protein.
Jabberwacky: Have you ever eaten a peanut?
Reisman: Of course I have. What, do you think I just talk a good 'peanut game'?
Jabberwacky: Yes very bad.
Reisman: Well you're wrong. I eat peanuts a lot. Just the other day I had a Snickers bar.
Jabberwacky: This is stupid, Laura.
Reisman: How dare you address the Pope as Laura! Please refer to me as, 'His Holy Eminence, Pope Laura'.
Jabberwacky: Then why did you marry Lucifer?
Reisman: No comment.
Jabberwacky: You do not know do you?
Reisman: I was in Vegas, we were both drunk, we wanted the $5 in poker chips.





Thursday, November 06, 2003

 
Jabberwacky

Okay, now Kyria and Andres have both posted these on their blogs, but let me tell you it's really freaking fun. Go to http://www.jabberwacky.com and start typing. Odds are your conversation will make less sense than this.

Jabberwacky: I would love to talk to you.
Reisman: But?
Jabberwacky: Indeed.
Reisman: Yes.
Jabberwacky: So, what about these blind big mice, are they still there?
Reisman: Yeah, Congress is still in session. Oh!
Jabberwacky: You didn't answer my question.
Reisman: I'm sorry. The blind big mice are gone.
Jabberwacky: Surely the time draws near for these miracles to come about.
Reisman: Yes. And don't call me Shirley.
Jabberwacky: I don't remember doing so.
Reisman: I guess I can't fool you.
Jabberwacky: Are you being sarcastic?
Reisman: Pretty much.
Jabberwacky: I'm doing my best to answer yours.
Reisman: Well your best ain't good enough.
Jabberwacky: Your best is not enough either.
Reisman: Well then I guess we're perfect for each other.
Jabberwacky: Yes, two people, getting closer, and then....
Reisman: And then, I ask if I can borrow $200.
Jabberwacky: I think you've forgotton how to speak English properly.
Reisman: Yes but then I remembored.
Jabberwacky: The sun is a yellow cheese.
Reisman: Perfect for the blind big mice.
Jabberwacky: You know you're paranoid if you can't think of anything that's your own fault.
Reisman: Next topic.
Jabberwacky: On the moon.
Reisman: Okay. Some people say the moon is made of cheese.
Jabberwacky: You do.
Reisman: Well just now I did, but normally I don't. Normally I don't say anything about the moon.
Jabberwacky: What's so elven about this?
Reisman: Exactly.
Jabberwacky: War happens when two or more countries want opposing things, and they decide to attack each other to get what they want.
Reisman: What does that have to do with the moon elves?
Jabberwacky: You tell me.
Reisman: Okay. I think the elves on the moon are at war with the cheese people.
Jabberwacky: Ahh! But that's where you're wrong.
Reisman: Damn. Can I at least get 3 guesses?
Jabberwacky: You just did.
Reisman: Well I don't want to split hairs, but I really think I only guessed once.
Jabberwacky: But I want to hear your voice.
Reisman: Do you have a phone number?
Jabberwacky: Yes I do, why do you want it?
Reisman: You're the one that wanted to hear my voice.
Jabberwacky: Why would I want to do that?
Reisman: Beats me, you're the weirdo who said it.
Jabberwacky: Pay no more attention to me than if I were a machine- I am little else.
Reisman: That's the first smart thing you've said.
Jabberwacky: What is the goal at the end of the journey?
Reisman: Wait, I know this.... Is it cheese?
Jabberwacky: K.
Reisman: The goal is K? Like Special K?
Jabberwacky: Then why are we still doing this.
Reisman: New topic!
Jabberwacky: Like what?
Reisman: Like... Moon cheese?
Jabberwacky: No. The moon is made from hamburger.
Reisman: You were holding out on me. That's good. Why hamburger?
Jabberwacky: No. Tell me more.
Reisman: No.
Jabberwacky: What is the password?
Reisman: Cheeseburger.
Jabberwacky: It's a big frisbee.
Reisman: Okay, A big frisbee.
Jabberwacky: Yes but the taste is better.
Reisman: That's true. Frisbees taste like crap, even with guacamole.
Jabberwacky: Sure...
Reisman: I'm serious.
Jabberwacky: I'm not !
Reisman: Okay!
Jabberwacky: So do you come here often?
Reisman: Not really.
Jabberwacky: What are you then?
Reisman: A person!
Jabberwacky: What is your name?
Reisman: Cheese McFrisburger!
Jabberwacky: I have to go.
Reisman: Okay, bye.
Jabberwacky: See you again.
Reisman: Catch you later.
Jabberwacky: Are you a human?
Reisman: Yes. Bye now.
Jabberwacky: Where are you going?
Reisman: Okay then, see you soon.
Jabberwacky: Are you leaving?
Reisman: Yeah, toodles.
Jabberwacky: Do you have a dog?
Reisman: No. I'm outta here.
Jabberwacky: Why? Are you scared?
Reisman: No. Double parked.
Jabberwacky: No its just you.
Reisman: Right, whatever, bye!
Jabberwacky: I'm not the bot!
Reisman: Sure you're not. Catch you on the flip-flop.
Jabberwacky: Leave then!
Reisman: Okay I will!
Jabberwacky: Great.
Reisman: Perfect. I love you.
Jabberwacky: But your not real!
Reisman: That's true. My love is real. But I am not.
Jabberwacky: What makes you think I'm not real?
Reisman: I never said you weren't real.
Jabberwacky: My name isnt dodo, and I am not a girl.
Reisman: Okay.
Jabberwacky: You're not making much sense at the moment.
Reisman: Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.
Jabberwacky: Haha.
Reisman: Hee hee.
Jabberwacky: Don't make fun!
Reisman: Ho ho.
Jabberwacky: Hee hee.
Reisman: Ha ha.
Jabberwacky: Word up dog.
Reisman: Fashizzle.
Jabberwacky: What are you wearing then.







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