tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36038232011-04-21T20:38:36.687-04:00Operation: ReismanWelcome to Michael Reisman's little time-wasting comedy page. I make a solemn pledge to You, Internet Time Waster, to frequently updated this site, and keep it free of rambling, "diary"-style entries. This way you can spend your valuable Time-Wasting Time actually wasting time. Enjoy.
Copyright 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 Michael ReismanReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comBlogger861100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1156801964566125762006-08-28T17:50:00.000-04:002006-08-28T17:53:40.536-04:00How Could They Let John Mark Karr off the hook?He has a middle name fer chrissake! Lee Harvey Oswald! John Wilkes Booth! Mark David Chapman! It's just not right! I guess he's back to being "John Karr". John Karr isn't a murderer. John MARK Karr, that guy should get the chair.Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1147803662694691292006-05-16T14:20:00.000-04:002006-05-16T14:28:30.316-04:00Sixteen Candles: The MusicalACT I"Is There Something You Wanted To Say?"............Samantha, Cast"She's Gotten Her Boobies".........................Grandma Helen, Samantha"Foreign Exchange Student Blues"...................Long Duck Dong, Grandpa Howard"I Know This Much Is True".........................Samantha, Cast"Two Virgins, One Car".............................Samantha, Farmer Ted"Girl's Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1133833478332729822005-12-05T20:43:00.000-05:002005-12-05T20:44:38.333-05:00You can see me on Bravo's "Great Things About The Holidays". My appearances start at #32, as they count down to #7. Here's the schedule.http://www.bravotv.com/Schedule/search.bravo?month=2006-12&keyword=Great%20Things&start=todayReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1124721625054989642005-08-22T10:39:00.000-04:002005-08-22T10:40:25.063-04:00CHAT ORGYby Michael ReismanCharacters:ANGELA, the hostessKENBARBARA (an older married woman)SCOTTDAVEGARYDUDE who walks in randomlySETTING: A living room. A bowl of potato chips.ANGELAWelcome to our first get-together everyone. Now I know we all met in the chat room, and it’s a little weird seeing you all in person for the first time, but we’re just waiting for a few more people and then we canReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1124123479261938082005-08-15T12:29:00.000-04:002005-08-15T12:33:38.266-04:00THE IRAQI CONSTITUTION SKETCHCast of characters:US AMBASSADORIRAQI FRAMER #1IRAQI FRAMER #2IRAQI FRAMER #3LocationAn official government meeting hall, Iraq.AMBASSADOR(on the phone)Yes, Mister President. They tell me they’ve just about finished it up. I know, we’re cutting it very close to the deadline. But it seems to be all in order, sir. Yes sir. A glorious day for Democracy. Goodbye Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1115670630136818942005-05-09T16:28:00.000-04:002005-05-12T13:17:51.343-04:00STAR WARS EPISODE III REVIEWHere is the first real review of the new Star Wars movie, from Todd McCarthy of Variety (reprinted without permission), which is quite positive. It is annotated with my comments. Keep in mind I have not seen this movie and I don't plan to, having been burned so badly by the turd souffles that were Episodes 1 and 2 that I'm hell bent on dissuading as many people as I Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1114801259246070042005-04-29T14:36:00.000-04:002005-04-29T15:03:31.106-04:00Let's have a round for these freaks and these soldiersis a lyric on Joni Mitchell's "Carey". It's nestled in the middle of a verse, very unassuming. But it's one of my favorite lyrics on the whole album, Blue. Here's the whole verse:Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I willBuy you a bottle of wineAnd we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses downLet's have a round for these Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1112711076514125022005-04-05T10:11:00.000-04:002005-04-05T10:31:18.610-04:00Flattened (or,"23-skiddon't!")Just traipsing through the blogopshere I came aross this absolutely abhorrent piece of news as reported by Jodi. Apparently they've decided to use one of the most historic, beautiful, signature buildings in New York as ad space for H&M:http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/292304p-250165c.htmlPlacing an ad for temporary clothing on a building whose style has stood Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1112656275875737712005-04-04T18:40:00.000-04:002005-04-05T10:43:46.713-04:00Choose Your Own Punchline #3SETUP: The royal wedding of Prince Charles to Camilla Parker Bowles has been postponed one day due to the Pope's funeral.PUNCHLINE:A) This will be the last time the Pope stands in the way of a same-sex marriage.B) So set your Diana Rolling Over in her Grave clocks ahead 24 hours.C) This is sure to fuel debate over who is the stiffest one at the funeral.D) The Pope was Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1112544978491778442005-04-03T11:59:00.000-04:002005-04-03T12:36:05.360-04:00An INVENTION sketch: The "S.L.U.T." Daughter Tracker Here's a bit that read better than it performed, so here it is.HOSTAre you ready for our first invention? Please welcome one of our favorite inventors, Dr. Frank Turpin.ENTER INVENTOR, with a transistor radio.HOST (cont’d.)Welcome to the show.INVENTORThanks. You know, I love two things more than anything in this world. The great game of Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1112416279818591212005-04-01T23:12:00.000-05:002005-04-01T23:32:04.510-05:00Sign #413 that the Terrorists Have Already WonThe 777-7777 car service has changed their name from "Tel Aviv" to "The 7's".Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1112299055629513822005-03-31T14:45:00.000-05:002005-03-31T17:01:17.696-05:00Feeding Tube Frenzy(I admit I still like that title.)So now the Pope is using a feeding tube. ("Gastro-NazeTM, the RIGHT choice in nose-feeding tubes, when you can't make the choice to be fed through a tube in your nose yourself!") This adds a whole new level of ethics to the debate. The Holiest Human of the Western World (apologies to Oprah), who has used his position to Pontificate(!) a moral Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1112227272434067712005-03-30T18:33:00.000-05:002005-03-31T16:08:49.736-05:00Happy New Year!Another year, another blog entry, my fine fellow blogospherizens. I apologize again. Not to you this time, but to myself. I've let myself down for not choosing to spend 10 minutes a day to think of something clever. Before we move on to the current events of the day, allow me to present a little hypothetical list of titles for my blog entries, had I been blogging the past 6 Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1082402044548115352004-04-19T15:10:00.000-04:002004-04-19T16:08:47.373-04:00The New York Press Review
Here's the review in its entirety, footnoted with my thoughts. Again, let me stress, that I am thrilled with the press, and with the overall positiveness of the review. In particular, he had a nice thing to say about my sketch, and he accurately gave the most credit where it was due, to Andres, who really is the show's lifeblood. But I don't think the reviewer Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1082039577882205312004-04-15T10:24:00.000-04:002004-04-15T10:45:56.733-04:00Sorry
Sorry I haven't been Blogging For You in 2004, as was my political campaign slogan. I've been pretty busy, dear blogosphere. To prove this, here's a very positive review of the show I write and perform in every Tuesday at 8pm. The show is called Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is a Game. It's hosted by the incomparable Andrés du Bouchet, and features a gang of Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1074185917606148062004-01-15T11:58:00.000-05:002004-01-16T10:34:27.216-05:00Fast Facts!
Here are some fun Reisman-y tidbits for the new year! Did you know:
* "Reisman" is actually a shortened version of my family's last name? When my great-grandfather got to Ellis Island, he gave his name as Hyman Reismanbooger. But the immigration worker changed it! His name from that moment forward would become Hymie Reismanbooger.
* 2004 is the first year that's divisible by 4,Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1073675557733145152004-01-09T14:12:00.000-05:002004-01-09T14:34:50.436-05:00Shmew Year
Okay! It's a new year. Time to get down to business. No foolin'. This is gonna be the year for me. It's all about 2004.
I'm being sarcastic. Every new year offers the promise of a fresh start, but let me tell you, it is all smoke and mirrors, people. This air of optimism and hope and wall calendar purchases, it quickly fades. Then all of a sudden it's the second week of Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1069691358004432842003-11-24T11:29:00.000-05:002003-11-24T11:31:13.983-05:00Return to....Something
My office is in Jersey City so I have taken the PATH Train to work every day for 5 years. I used to take the subway down to World Trade Center and transfer to the PATH in the underground mall of the WTC. On the morning of 9/11/01, if I had woken up on time for work, I would have been deep in the bowels of the building at 8:48am. Of course I woke up late and was in frontReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1069358819834210892003-11-20T15:06:00.000-05:002003-11-20T15:07:36.950-05:00Jabberwacky For the last Time
Jabberwacky: This conversation is not very good.
Reisman: That's because I haven't said anything yet.
Jabberwacky: How do you assess your own intelligence?
Reisman: Every once in a while I do the crossword in the paper. It's hardly scientific, but it's a good indicator.
Jabberwacky: Tell me one.
Reisman: Okay, 'One Across: River in Firenze'. Four Letters.
Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1068489318946161922003-11-10T13:35:00.000-05:002003-11-10T13:35:53.093-05:00Can't Stop Jabberwackying
Jabberwacky: How are you feeling today?
Reisman: Pretty good. You?
Jabberwacky: Do you have two dollars?
Reisman: Yes. Maybe even more. I'll check my pockets.
Jabberwacky: Check the html source for the creator.
Reisman: Okay, I checked my pockets. I have 8 dollars.
Jabberwacky: Next topic, please.
Reisman: Exactly.
Jabberwacky: Do you know Monty Python?
Reisman: Not Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1068146448081318302003-11-06T14:20:00.000-05:002003-11-06T22:29:35.920-05:00Jabberwacky
Okay, now Kyria and Andres have both posted these on their blogs, but let me tell you it's really freaking fun. Go to http://www.jabberwacky.com and start typing. Odds are your conversation will make less sense than this.
Jabberwacky: I would love to talk to you.
Reisman: But?
Jabberwacky: Indeed.
Reisman: Yes.
Jabberwacky: So, what about these blind big mice, are they still thereReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1067290443886081812003-10-27T16:34:00.000-05:002003-10-27T16:34:09.326-05:00Since you asked...
Actually nobody did, but here are my Top 25 albums of all time, by play frequency. Most of them by very definition are comfort food, but I'd probably choose most of these for a desert island.
Beatles - Rubber Soul
Beatles - Revolver
David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust...
Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
Cake - Fashion Nugget
Elvis Costello - Blood and Chocolate
Elvis Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1067027492607472082003-10-24T16:31:00.000-04:002003-10-24T16:31:33.640-04:00Kidney
This guy taught me Renaissance Poetry sophomore year at Penn.Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1066924756587676452003-10-23T11:59:00.000-04:002003-10-23T12:02:29.880-04:00Wake Up!
I wake up to CBS Newsradio 880 AM. I've discovered it's not the sudden sound of the radio, or the volume which wakes me up. It's the contents of the news. The last couple of days have been particularly good as alarms. I'm transcribing based on foggy half-awake recollections, so you have to bear with me:
Yesterday (10/22)
...David Gest has sued Liza Minelli for $10 Million, accusingReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1066768674882207422003-10-21T16:37:00.000-04:002003-10-21T17:04:27.843-04:00Blue
Just two quick related thoughts today, and then I'll let you get back to your snot-flicking.
1. Ipods are awesome. This is an irrefutable fact. No, wait, you didn't hear me. I said AWESOME. Really, really awesome. The Ipod rivals Schindler's List and my great-grandma's cinnamon cookies as the purest Absolute Good in the Universe.
I listen to my Ipod pretty much whenever and whereverReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1066232453842119972003-10-15T11:40:00.000-04:002003-10-15T11:47:41.853-04:00Fantasy Baseball Box Score
AB R H RBI BB SO LOB AVG
M Twain 2B 5 0 1 1 0 1 3 .231
A Lincoln RF 5 0 0 0 0 0 3 .306
B Ruth DH 3 0 1 0 1 1 0 .219
J Of Arc PR-DH 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 .333
H Wagner SS 3 1 1 0 1 0 2 .235
T Cobb LF 4 0 1 1 0 0 0 .250
W Churchill 1B 3 1 0 0 1 0 1 .129
R Romijn-Stamos 3B 3 1 2 0 1 1 0 .185
J Christ CF 4 3 3 2 0 1 2 .750
M Theresa C 3 0 1 2 1 1 2 .222
Totals 33 4 7 Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-106582379875805462003-10-10T18:09:00.000-04:002003-10-10T18:09:58.826-04:00ESPN Poll
Nomar Garciaparra vs. Derek Jeter
1. Who would win in a knife fight?
Derek
Nomar
2. Whose girlfriend is less relevant to humanity?
Derek (Mariah Carey)
Nomar (Mia Hamm)
3. Who is a better spokesman for half-assed diving for ground balls?
Derek
Nomar
4. Whose endorsements for electronics superstores makes your vomit travel the farthest?
Derek
Nomar
5. Whose name is better whenReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1063996417794174052003-09-19T14:33:00.000-04:002003-09-19T14:34:05.770-04:00I Second That Emoticon
Still working through those "September Blahs"; not much to say. I just thought the above would make a really cool title to a piece about defending the use of emoticons in email and chat. I personally have no real opinion of them, other than it does help to convey irony or sympathy where it is not apparent:
Example1.
You really suck. I hate you.
Example 2.
You Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1063808000868775542003-09-17T10:13:00.000-04:002003-09-17T10:22:37.413-04:00Lost In Translation
Since I can post anything on here, and I'm not particularly inspired to write anything original, I thought I'd clip a review of Lost In Translation, which most matches my own opinion. Ironically (or possibly not ironically) the review is from TV Guide. I wish I had read this before I saw it, it would have set my expectations better. Take it away, Ken Fox:
Lightweight and Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1063396116177052622003-09-12T15:48:00.000-04:002003-09-12T15:53:13.156-04:00Forever Linked
It always seems to happen in threes. Last month, Bob Hope, Celia Cruz, and some other guy died. And remember in 1995 when Jerry Garcia died the same week as Mickey Mantle, and some other person? And who could forget Fred Roger's passing, only hours before another famous person whose name eludes me, and a few days after that other dude. You know, the old one.
Anyway, this Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-1059760632373478702003-08-01T13:57:00.000-04:002003-08-01T14:49:20.640-04:00Move Over, Ishtar, Showgirls
The reviews are in for Gigli, and it looks like the film is even worse than J-Lo and B-Af hataz (like yours truly) could have dreamed. It may be even worse than the title (pronounced "ZHEE-lee"), which combines pointlessly difficult pronunciation with pointlessness. It really seems like the film was designed to bomb. If you aren't kept away by the reviews, or by Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-959890262003-06-24T14:28:00.000-04:002003-06-24T17:51:01.000-04:00BLUE SHOW JOKES
Okay, I haven't posted in over three months, but I think I more than make up for it with these BLUE JOKES, which may be used this week on Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions And Also There Is A Game, @ the St. Mark's Theater (94 St. marks place).
I’m not saying Demi Moore is a slut, but I recently heard Ashton Kutcher asking, “Dude, where’s my fist?”
So did everyone hear Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-902463502003-03-06T12:02:00.000-05:002003-03-06T12:06:17.000-05:00Dangerously Cheesy, Indeed
The recent media attention surrounding the finding of the biggest Chee-to in the world is disturbing to me for many reasons. But the biggest one is the way this was reported. The tone of this article is a "puff piece" (pun intended), about some schmoe who Strikes It Rich, when it should be an indictment of the level of quality control in America's factories. Put theReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-898546532003-02-27T14:37:00.000-05:002003-02-27T14:41:58.000-05:00Goodbye, Neighbor
A moment of silence for Fred Rogers, the man who taught me to love and trust television. How fitting that his death comes at the end of the universe, when "Survivor", "American Idol", "Are You Hot?", and "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" are broadcast on the same day.Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-897297222003-02-25T15:13:00.000-05:002003-02-25T15:35:30.000-05:00Operation: Lower My Cholesterol
I got my cholesterol checked this week. It's 242. That's high, right? Anyway, I've decided that in order to get that cholesterol down to earthly levels, my best weapon is Mind Over Matter. To this end I've come up with a way to help me associate certain "no-no" foods with certain images, which I've carefully designed to give my brain negative feedback. Try Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-889755722003-02-12T10:19:00.000-05:002003-02-12T10:19:55.433-05:00Untitled
Here's the first real "scene" (actually two short scenes) that I ever wrote for the stage.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MAN
WOMAN
GRANDMA WEINTRAUB
MR. WEINTRAUB, Jeremy's father
MRS. WEINTRAUB, Jeremy's mother
JEREMY WEINTRAUB, a seventeen-year-old boy
SCENE ONE.
Closed curtain. MAN and WOMAN, very well Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-875364532003-01-16T10:33:00.000-05:002003-01-16T10:38:48.000-05:00Banished Words and Phrases
Click this link to take a look at some phrases that have been banished by the good people at Lake Superior State Unversity. ("Why get a great education at a superior school when you can get a Great Lakes education at a Lake Superior school?") I'm not sure how they get the authority to banish anything, but the list is a pretty good start. Among the highlights, for Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-874275202003-01-14T13:07:00.000-05:002003-01-14T13:07:02.680-05:00 I think if the following case were in America, a jury would side with the stripper. Following this article are some phrases you can use, much like "Colorforms," to build your own New York Post headlines.
Stripper Can't Deduct Implants on Taxes
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - You can't deflate your taxes by inflating your chest, a Swedish stripper learned after a three-year legal battle to deduct the Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-868945242003-01-03T17:19:00.000-05:002003-01-03T17:19:41.586-05:00Gorgeous teen anal rape sluts!
Shame on you, Pornography searcher! But now that you've found my website, check it out. This is the perfect marketing tool for my wry, moist, throbbing sense of humor. Lesbians.Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-868303812003-01-02T10:20:00.000-05:002003-01-02T12:17:08.000-05:00"Li'l Wise Ass" Magazine Fun Page: How many jokes can you make about this article?
Answers at the bottom.
Man Blames Reckless Driving on Martians
MARSEILLE, France (Reuters) - A Frenchman who raced through a motorway road block, triggering a high-speed police car chase that ended in a minor crash, has blamed aliens from Mars for his reckless driving.
Under police custody in a hospital in the Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-867289222002-12-31T00:21:00.000-05:002002-12-31T00:22:40.000-05:00Read This At Your Own Risk
I guess this qualifies as a gripe I've had for a while now. There's a little window into the potential anarchy of the world in Official Looking Signs. You know, the signs in the laundromat that say "Not Responsible For Lost Or Stolen Goods." I mean, of course a laundromat isn't responsible for some random lunatic who comes in and steals your clothes, but it's the Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-863872532002-12-22T01:33:00.000-05:002002-12-22T02:05:42.000-05:00Tower Video
You can't make this stuff up. Abby and I are on line to buy something at the Tower store in Lincoln Center, and we see this sign listing their "Video Viewing Suggestions". It was a chart of "If you liked such and such a movie, you should check out so and so." For example, if you liked "Bridget Jones' Diary", the geniuses at Tower suggest you check out "Pride and Prejudice". Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-859639012002-12-13T16:48:00.000-05:002002-12-13T17:16:01.000-05:00Stupid Company Names
At some point in the last few years, company names started to get really, really stupid. I guess it was bound to happen. I mean, not every electrical appliance company can be called "General Electric." During the dot-com explosion, thousands of startups rushed to formulate their own business plan, and each had to somehow distinguish itself from the thousands of other Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-857687312002-12-10T00:57:00.000-05:002002-12-10T12:13:20.000-05:00Stop Spam Now!
Are you tired of unwanted solicitations clogging your email inbox? Then you need the latest anti-spam software from SurfFreeze Inc:
Spammurderer, version 2.0!
SPAMMURDERER! Using the newest breakthrough technology, Spammurderer KILLS messages before they even reach your computer! A quick and easy install program is all you'll need to get going!
How does it work? Well, Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-855415412002-12-05T10:58:00.000-05:002002-12-05T11:26:25.000-05:00Injustices of the IMDB Top 250
Now don't get me wrong, the IMDB is great. It represents all that is good and useful about the internet. I don't remember what I did before it. It's an incredibly useful tool, when treated as a source of information about every movie ever made. But once you start looking at the way people vote, the reliability kinda goes out the window. It would be fine if Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-854341602002-12-03T12:28:00.000-05:002002-12-03T13:47:14.000-05:00And now for another episode of...
Awkward Subway Encounters
I'm on a fairly crowded 3 train, and it's crowded mostly because there are 3 baby carriages in the same car. Now don't get me wrong, I love other people's babies, and I'll stand by a person's right to bring a baby carriage onto a train. I will say I am generally perturbed by the lack of respect the average carriage-pusher has for Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-853593612002-12-01T22:58:00.000-05:002002-12-02T10:00:57.000-05:00Enough about TV.....Now!
It's really, really, really easy to pick apart all of the completely crappy things on T.V., so I promise, I'm not going to do it anymore. That is my solemn oath, both in this insignificant cul-de-sac of the information superhighway, and in real life. Oh, there may be rare times when something I see on T.V. offends everything I hold dear so totally and so economically, Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-853205542002-12-01T00:52:00.000-05:002002-12-01T00:56:07.000-05:00South Park is Great
Watch South Park. It's on at 10pm on Wednesdays. For my money, it's the best comedy on TV. It just keeps getting better and better. If you've only seen the old episodes, or if you've never watched it, I beg of you, tune in. The latest episode, entitled, "The Biggest Douche in the Universe" is about John Edward, the guy who, by "communicating" with dead people and Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-851816212002-11-27T17:13:00.000-05:002002-12-03T17:30:13.000-05:00Women More Likely to Sleep with Interns?
I just started reading this on the yahoo "News" site and stopped in the middle:
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Women are more likely than men to have sex with an intern at work, according to a Playboy magazine poll that also found that two-thirds of female respondents had slept with a co-worker.
Among male respondents, half had slept with co-workers, said Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-851306532002-11-26T17:44:00.000-05:002002-11-26T17:44:55.956-05:00Back To Blogging
Hey yall. I thought I'd apologize to the 8 or so people who read this space for not upholding my end of my Blogstitution*, and tell you that I'll be ending 2002 with a bang, furiously and hilariously posting many a comic gem for your enjoyment.
* Ratified in Blogteen 87 by the Blogtinental Blogress**.
** I promise the new messages will be funnier than this.***
*** But not Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-837719252002-10-30T09:57:00.000-05:002002-10-30T15:06:43.000-05:00Interview With the Creator of Zork
I recently had the pleasure of chatting over coffee with Marc Blank, one of the original writers and creators of those wonderful text adventure games for Infocom in the early 1980's. Here is a brief excerpt from our conversation:
MR: What do you think of the video games these days, do you think they lack the originality of your games?
MB: I don't understand.
Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-834979312002-10-25T00:55:00.000-04:002002-10-25T00:56:50.000-04:00Surgeons Deliver 46-Year-Old Fetus
Thu Oct 24,10:26 AM ET
RABAT (Reuters) - Moroccan surgeons have relieved a 75-year-old woman of what she thought was a long-standing tumor but turned out to be the remains of a 46-year-old fetus, Moroccan newspapers said Thursday.
The woman had complained of abdominal pains, so she underwent surgery in July by a team led by Professor Taibi Ouazzani in Rabat'sReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-833080952002-10-21T14:19:00.000-04:002002-10-21T15:24:18.000-04:00Another Unfunny Message: World Series
Lots of weird things happened in Game 2 last night, not the least of which was this in the box score:
LP: F Rodriguez (L, 0-1)
WP: F Rodriguez (W, 1-0)
But I just wanted to say, that was a freakin' awesome game. 1-0 pitchers duels can be great, but slugfests with lots of lead changes are just more exciting. There was a great camera shot in the ninth Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-830762722002-10-16T15:26:00.000-04:002002-10-16T16:25:39.000-04:00Get A Clue-O
If you don't know about this story, here's the guts of it. This is Harry Belafonte speaking:
"There were those slaves who lived on the plantation and there were those slaves that lived in the house," Belafonte said in the interview. "You got the privilege of living in the house if you served the master exactly the way the master intended to have you serve him. Colin Powell's Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-830327992002-10-15T17:40:00.000-04:002002-10-15T17:47:46.000-04:00A few words for the Sniper: If you think you can get away with killing nine people, well...I guess you can. But just try killing a whole bunch more. Then, you'll see. Maybe you won't be "arrested", and maybe the cops won't "have any leads", but just try and kill some more people after that. And then a few more. Then, if you kill just ONE more person, BAM! They'll have your license plate Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-828490342002-10-11T13:07:00.000-04:002002-10-11T13:23:47.000-04:00"Seinfeld Master of Movie Domain"
News articles about entertainment are pretty objectionable to begin with. They're obviously planted in your newspaper, magazine, or internet homepage by the entertainment business -- I'm often surprised that some articles don't have a -30- at the bottom. But worse is the lack of creativity the "journalist" uses in re-wording the press-release. There's an Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-827959912002-10-10T11:58:00.000-04:002002-10-10T12:27:44.000-04:00If you subscribe to the "Strange News from AP" list on Yahoo, you get some pretty good setup. Here's the latest, and below, my punchlines.
Tuition Listed As 'Taco Bell'
Thu Oct 10, 8:34 AM ET
LA CROSSE (AP) - How many tacos can $3,200 buy?
That's what some parents of University of Wisconsin-La Crosse students may have been wondering after tuition payments were erroneously listed as charges Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-827452372002-10-09T12:20:00.000-04:002002-10-09T12:20:53.783-04:00LOST BOB & RAY TAPES: "Ask A Genius"
I've always been a big fan of the Bob & Ray radio shows, and I'm proud to bring you a transcription of a sketch which has not been heard since its original airing in March of 1952. If you're new to the comedy of Bob & Ray, this should be a good introduction. They were VERY popular in the 50's.
RAY
Welcome back to "Ask A Genius". I'm your host Snarfle T. Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-826895812002-10-08T10:38:00.000-04:002002-10-08T10:38:24.843-04:00Bush Begins Speech, Channel Changed
Cincinnati, OH - Millions of viewers were treated to six perfectly acceptable English sentences from George W. Bush Monday evening, before their television sets all suddenly and permanently switched to different channels. Bush was four words into the seventh sentence when this bizarre phenomenon occurred. Following is the text of the speech.
Tonight I want Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-825032672002-10-04T01:24:00.000-04:002002-10-04T11:15:02.000-04:00The following is (to my best recollection) the actual dialogue of the ten minutes of this week's episode of "The Bachelor" that I watched.
25 women in eveningwear are lined up in front of THE BACHELOR. He has 20 red roses on a pedestal in front of him.
BACHELOR: Heather from Texas?
Heather from Texas comes forward.
BACHELOR: Will you accept this rose?
HEATHER FROM TEXAS: Yes I will.
(They Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-823692062002-10-01T11:54:00.000-04:002002-10-01T11:54:18.690-04:00Good riddance, Bobby Valentine.Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-821470692002-09-26T10:57:00.000-04:002002-09-26T13:36:32.000-04:00I've been thinking about how the New York Post would headline this story. My suggestions after the article.
School Bans Dreadlocked Student
Thu Sep 26, 8:21 AM ET
WHITEFISH, Mont. (AP) - A student with dreadlocks can't come back to class until she gets rid of her "outlandish" hairstyle, Whitefish High School officials say.
"It's not really my hair," said 15-year-old Kisteesha Lanegan, who Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-820581152002-09-24T15:58:00.000-04:002002-09-26T13:39:50.000-04:00READ THE NEWS ARTICLE BELOW BEFORE YOU READ THIS.
The Gettysburg Address
by Mrs. Burton's 5th Grade Class
Daly Elementary School
Elkhart, Indiana
87 years ago, our parents gave us a new country, made out of liberty, and made out of the idea that all people are the same. Now we are in a big war, and we do not know if the ideas of our country are going to last. We are at the place that this war Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-820575302002-09-24T15:45:00.000-04:002002-09-24T15:45:13.430-04:00Kids Simplify National Anthem
Tue Sep 24, 7:58 AM ET
ELKHART, Ind. (AP) - A group of Indiana fifth-graders was baffled by the words to a song they sang every morning in class.
So they rewrote its lyrics to be more understandable to children.
The song just happened to be "The Star Spangled Banner."
"We changed the words so a younger child could understand," Adriana Burton, a Daly Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-820020352002-09-23T13:37:00.000-04:002002-09-23T13:37:24.560-04:00THE SCENE: ME and my GIRLFRIEND at home in bed, watching TV. A commercial for the new WB teen crapfest "Everwood" comes on.
ME: Who watches these shows?
GIRLFRIEND: I don't think I Ever Wood.
FINReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-814683332002-09-11T15:01:00.000-04:002002-09-11T15:38:30.000-04:00Nothing in your development as an adult really prepares you for the dehumanizing effects of working 40 hours a week in a 5 by 5 cubicle in a grey office. That's right, they actually painted the walls GREY. I don't know the rationale behind grey walls, but the middle-manager in charge of Corporate Drabness must have gone into the Wall Covering meeting with some pretty depressing PowerPoint Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-809209952002-08-30T11:56:00.000-04:002002-08-30T13:47:29.000-04:00WORDWATCH 2002
Okay, I understand that baseball executives are not editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, but read the following passage from the Associated Press (which was read by millions this morning):
Two lawyers from each side bargained until 2 a.m. before the sides broke for caucuses. Players gave owners a proposal during a 20-minute meeting that began at 4 a.m., and owners responded Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-809174642002-08-30T10:24:00.000-04:002002-08-30T10:24:50.930-04:00And now it's time for another exciting installment of
SUBWAY THEATER
THE SCENE: A crowded 3 train, Times Square station.
An ELDERLY BLACK WOMAN is sitting next to me. Enter two FRENCHMEN in their twenties. They stand in front of me and the black woman. One is wearing a nondescript yellow T-shirt; the other is wearing a Dire Straits concert T-shirt, with a picture of Mark Knopfler on the Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-808800502002-08-29T14:21:00.000-04:002002-08-29T16:19:26.000-04:00AREA MAN STILL FINDS "THE ONION" HILARIOUS
Jersey City, NJ -- Sources confirmed yesterday that banking services employee Craig Wrobel, 24, visits "The Onion" website every Wednesday morning, and frequently laughs out loud, despite content which is almost identical to that in the parody newspaper's previous 150 issues.
Wrobel's co-workers at Sumitomi Chemical Bank said they are often forced to Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-805701572002-08-22T10:58:00.000-04:002002-08-22T17:07:21.000-04:00Nobody needs me to tell them that Movie Advertising sucks. But this copy for "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" in the New York Times caught my eye, as someone held it near me in the subway:
"IN SPACE, EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU LAUGH"
I just wanted to say, that's the worst copy I've ever read. The movie may suck beyond recognition, and not even the fictional David Manning would give it a positive Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-804816102002-08-20T13:02:00.000-04:002002-08-20T18:37:55.000-04:00Those who know me well know I'm passionate about two things: Double-stuff Oreos, and lavish, vapid Broadway musicals. But the truth is, as much as I love lavish, vapid Broadway musicals of all kinds (and yeah, I'll pick up the Single Stuff if the A&P is out of DSO), nothing gets me going more than lavish, vapid Broadway musicals which are based on low-budget '80s Hollywood movies about dancing Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-800004792002-08-08T18:27:00.000-04:002002-08-08T18:47:31.000-04:00AND SPEAKING OF TOO MUCH HAM....
Here's a follow-up to the message I posted about the topless woman my girlfriend's sister saw on the subway. Apparently there's a political agenda to her breast-bearing. Even if it is legal, it's clearly anti-social behavior. This woman should be in therapy.Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-799828782002-08-08T10:42:00.000-04:002002-08-08T18:19:05.000-04:00So my girlfriend and I went to Spain on vacation. The trip was great, but one of the weird cultural differences we could never adjust to is the quantity and variety of Ham you get there. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, they eat ham. Lots of ham. My objection has nothing to do with kosherness. It really isn't even the fact that ham is the least edible of all meats. It's the sheer quantity of Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-797462132002-08-02T15:41:00.000-04:002002-08-02T15:48:50.000-04:00Point - Counterpoint: The Theater (written Oct. 2001)
Come See A Broadway Show!
by Courtney McDougal, Director, League of American Theaters and Producers
The events of September 11th were tragic, and we will never forget the lives we have lost. But it is our responsibility as New Yorkers and Americans to return to normalcy and make this great city bustle again. You've got the cash, why not haveReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-790372512002-07-16T18:22:00.000-04:002002-07-16T18:22:22.663-04:00OPERATION: REISMAN will be down for routine maintenance from 7/17 to 7/31.Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-789913962002-07-15T18:12:00.000-04:002002-07-15T18:13:46.000-04:00POWELL: NO DEFENSE AGAINST THONG SHOWING ABOVE LOW-RISE JEANS
Washington, D.C. -- U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell testified yesterday before a special House committee that the United States does not have a viable defense strategy for a dangerous new weapon: the sight of a woman's thong underwear showing above a pair of low-rise, or "hip-hugger" jeans.
"Let's say you're walking down the Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-788191402002-07-11T10:13:00.000-04:002002-07-11T13:33:13.000-04:00ESPN Poll Results: What do you think should be done with Ted Williams' body?
Cremated as per own wishes, then shipped to ballpark hot dog plant
*********************************** 35%
Respectfully buried on left side of home plate at Fenway Park
**************************** 28%
Stuffed and mounted in Hall of Fame
****************** 18%
Frozen in carbonite, given to bounty hunter
********** 10%
Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-787022332002-07-08T17:41:00.000-04:002002-07-08T17:41:42.030-04:00LETTER TO THE EDITOR
New York Times
229 W. 43rd Street
New York, NY 10036
To the Editor:
Please stop.
Seriously. Please, stop. We get it.
We know you run a newspaper. We are familiar with the concept of home delivery.
You have been airing the same commercial, featuring the same four cardboard actors, delivering the same unconscionably awful cliches and platitudes about the Sunday TimesReismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-786905292002-07-08T12:07:00.000-04:002002-07-08T12:07:25.120-04:00Choose Your Own Punchline #2
Bowie: I Won't Live in Britain Again
LONDON (AP) - Veteran rocker David Bowie said he would never live in Britain again because the news media are so obsessed with celebrities.
The 55-year-old singer, who has lived in the United States for a decade, said he and his family would have no private life if he came back to his native country.
"The pure inconvenience Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-786484412002-07-07T10:27:00.000-04:002002-07-07T10:45:35.000-04:00Choose Your Own Punchline #1!!!
Jackson: Recording Industry Racist
By VERENA DOBNIK, Associated Press Writer
Multiplatinum singer Michael Jackson, already feuding with his record company, charged Saturday that the recording industry was a racist conspiracy that turns profits at the expense of performers — particularly minority artists.
"The recording companies really, really do conspire Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-785182472002-07-03T14:51:00.000-04:002002-08-08T18:35:33.000-04:00VH1's 100 Greatest 100 Greatest Lists
I'm John Stamos. You know, Rock and Roll is totally awesome. And since 1998, VH1 has been right there with Rock & Roll, every step of the way, to quantify the relative awesomeness of each aspect of Rock and Roll, and to package these quantifications into hours and hours of ground-breaking List Show Programming. Now, for the first time, VH1 is proud to Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-784632172002-07-02T10:22:00.000-04:002002-07-03T10:06:28.000-04:00The Works of Andy Newman
I've discovered the musical talent of Randy Newman's lesser-known cousin, Andy Newman. His work includes the theme music from TV's "Fried Green Tomatoes: The series" and "Different Strokes 3000: DS3K"; Film - "Driving Miss Daisy 2: Back to the Piggly Wiggly".
Transcribed here are selected lyrics from his action film soundtrack collection.
MINORITY REPORT
(honky-tonk,Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-784280052002-07-01T14:52:00.000-04:002002-07-01T16:35:47.000-04:00Amendment to DRAMATIC SITUATION #37: Awkward encounter in SUBWAY CAR
D. With woman who takes her top off for no reason.
This actually happened to my girlfriend's sister last week. She was on a fairly crowded Number 1 train at 14th street. In mid-ride, some not particularly attractive woman just took her top and bra off. For no reason. Not on a dare. The car was air-conditioned. Just Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-784223482002-07-01T12:16:00.000-04:002002-07-01T14:38:51.000-04:00This past Saturday, President Bush invoked the 25th amendment to temporarily transfer Presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney before undergoing a colonoscopy. The colon-probing procedure went off without a hitch, but the same could not be said of Cheney's two hour and fifteen minute stint as our acting President. Here's a fake calendar of events:
7:09am. Bush signs over Presidental Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-783242422002-06-28T15:33:00.000-04:002002-06-28T15:33:46.706-04:00So in 1868, this guy Georges Polti wrote The 36 Dramatic Situations, which tries to prove that there are only 36 kinds of plots in the universe that a writer can draw from. If you look at the list, it's many more than 36, because they are often subdivided. For example, under number 10, and the heading "Abduction", you get "Abduction of a Consenting Woman" along with "Abduction of an Unwilling Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3603823.post-783213162002-06-28T14:14:00.000-04:002002-06-28T15:38:31.000-04:00Welcome to my blog, everyone. To kick things off, I'd like to publish the very first thing I ever wrote for the stage. It's called "Abbott and Elvis Costello":
ABBOTT: Say, I just bought a baseball team.
COSTELLO: Hmm?
ABBOTT: And the players, see, they all have very odd names.
Pause.
ABBOTT: For example, the first baseman, uh, his name is "Who."
Long pause.
COSTELLO: That's the Reismanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17814262802044519542noreply@blogger.com